Jeremy Clarkson quotes

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR - Clarkson: "There is a word to
describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its
not "soot".
Hammond: "So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson: "Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is
another league of badness!

"Some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless
people - and that he, long before anyone else, realised that jade
goody is a racist, pig faced, waste of blood and
organs............a ll we know, is that he's called the Stig!"

On the Suzuki Wagon R "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like
unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary...
That's what gets you."

"The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in
the dashboard blowing at you through a straw"

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater
convertible was Adolf Hitler"

Caravanning Trip "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't
allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you
aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two
feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by
eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

On the Renault Espace "This is the Renault Espace, probably the
best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about.
It's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the
sexually transmitted diseases."

Mercedes CLS55 "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less
painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to
places quicker than I do?"

Clarksons highway code on cyclists "Trespassers in the motorcars
domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be
on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough
to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong"

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter
from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this
red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy
Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said
was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi"

"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably
because they don't have wheel-chair access"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with
the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise "This car is more fun than the entire french air
force crashing into a firework factory"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the
back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is
600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on
the tailgate..."

"The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when
God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit
into them."

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-
behaved... for a murderer."

"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals
duty to be on my plate at supper time"

"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality
of stitching... on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really
work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it
so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with
a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it,
if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do,
and it helps."

"You can't have this car with a diesel. Its like saying I won't go
to stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance,
she's a woman!"

Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green "During
the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars
so here's one..."

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a
sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the
equivalent of a President.

On the Porsche Cayenne "Honestly, I have seen more attractive
gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with
gingivitis."

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a
bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the
couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the
Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963 and, as you would imagine,
it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes,
until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now
this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and
Cameron Diaz in a bath together with a Lightning jet fighter and
lots of jelly."

On the Porsche Caymen S "There are many things I'd rather be doing
than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off
stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"

"The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the
air saying there will be no war with Germany"

"America: 250 million wankers living in a country with no word for
wanker"

On the Alfa Romeo Brera "I only have to imagine this in black,
with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

Porsche Boxster "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's
bottom"

Vroooeemm!